I have a confession to make; I don’t know how to pose. Sad but true, or as Polonius would say, “’tis true, ’tis true ’tis pity, and pity ’tis ’tis true.” I feel extremely awkward in front of cameras and I never know what my body is doing.
I guess most of this stems from my real-life shyness. I feel awkward and self-conscious a lot, especially around strangers. I can be pretty silly and free (and plenty obnoxious I’m sure) once you get to know me, but strangers make me clam up. And a camera feels like a stranger staring expectantly at me. I feel envious when I see photos of women (or men) who seem to pull it off so effortlessly when I struggle with it so much. But I don’t think this is uncommon – a lot of people seem to be uncomfortable in front of cameras.
I would say maybe what’s uncommon is for someone who is so uncomfortable in front of cameras to publicly post so many pictures of themselves – but I can discount this too. I’ve read a lot of blogs by people who are shy or introverted in real life, but put their words and photos out for everyone to see. So why do it? Why stand uncomfortably in front of the camera all the time, taking bajillions of photos and look through the results with dissatisfaction? I am sure everyone has their own reasons. Someone who didn’t know better might think it was pure vanity or attention-mongering. And maybe it is. Personally I take a lot of photos and go through most of them with disappointment and borderline disgust. But it is strangely fulfilling when I finally see one and think “Hey that doesn’t look so bad. I don’t look 30 pounds heavier than I am, or like a hunchback or like my jaw or nose are a weirdly shaped.” But mostly, I think it’s a form of therapy. Forcing myself to do something I am uncomfortable with until I start to be comfortable with it. Whether this means just accepting the fact that I don’t think I’m photogenic, or more hopefully teaching myself by trial and error how to hold my body, how to position my face, what to do with myself in order to someday feel comfortable.
Most of all, this is not a cry for attention or me prompting you to leave comments telling me that I’m wrong and I am photogenic and this and that and the next thing. It’s just me speaking my mind, and letting you know that it’s NOT easy, and I’m sure a lot of you can relate.
These photos are pretty old, at least a month and a half or so… you know, when the weather was still warm enough to wear short sleeves. My roommate, Rachael had gone out of town for the day and I really liked the dress that I’d worn to work that day, so I pulled out ye olde camera tripod and played around in the backyard. I feel a little more free when it’s just me and the camera than when it’s me and the camera and a photographer. I’m always afraid that I’ll try to do something silly and whomever is taking the photo will think I am weird. So play, I did. And trust me, a lot of the photos that I came back with were not good. But I did get a few that I think were pretty decent. And I know.. I know.. yellow, yellow, and more yellow. I swear, I do wear other colors occasionally.